Dear Major League Soccer

Dear Major League Soccer,

First off, please let me tell you how much I love England. I mean, sure I've never actually visited, but I have many British friends who make my life simply better by being in it. And I couldn't have survived high school without The Cure. And Jane Eyre and the Harry Potter books are above and beyond some of the finest contributions to literature ever. Jude Law is pretty hot. I even like some of the nifty little words they use and try to sprinkle my own boring American dialect with them whenever possible.

Despite my great affection for all things English, I really find it unnecessary to pay ridiculous amounts of money and throw out the salary cap to bring David Beckham to play soccer in America. Clearly this is some sort of desperate attempt on his part to salvage his stardom. And really, the last thing we need in LA is more people doing ridiculous and scandalous things to get in the tabloids. And will it work to increase soccer fandom in the States? Please. This is one of the most ethnocentric countries I know. Unless Beckham becomes a citizen and gets all teary eyed at the Star Spangled Banner, I think it would be far more effective to raise a good ole American star.

But quite frankly, I don't care. Do what you must, but I doubt I'll be making the trek to see the Galaxy anytime soon. Thanks for trying.